Changing a light bulb, Pinoy style

By Frank "Boy" Pestaño
Chessmoso

IN my previous columns, I had been writing on the “serious” side of chess and it’s about time we look at its lighter side. Chess is such a rich game that it can be a parody in the life of a nation. It has its own sense of humor that can better be appreciated by chess players. Here are collected humor stories that I’m sure you readers will appreciate.

THE CHESS PLAYER. A guy comes home from the chess club and his wife starts nagging him. “The Chess Club again, that’s all you think about.

Chess! Chess! Chess! And more bloody chess! When was the last time you took me out?” “A, four Knights ago.” “A fortnight ago, and when was the last time you spoke to me?” “Two Knights ago.” “Two nights ago, and when was the last time you spent more than an hour with me – and don’t say three nights ago.” “I appear to be in Time Trouble.” “You are in trouble this time alright. And what were you up to last night? You kissed me and then went out.” “J’adoube.” “Speak English you swine. Tomorrow I’m locking the door and you wont be going out anywhere.” “Ill be in Zugzwang.” “Is John coming around tomorrow?” “I’ll have to check.” “I can’t stand it when he comes!” “But he’s my mate.” “What do you want for your supper?” “Fried Liver.” “Then you can fix the toilet, its blocked.” “I Khan do that.”

CHESS DOG. A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game for a while and said, “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB. Chess has its own rigid set of rules that has to be followed. You just can’t change anything unless you have the approval of everybody. Remember the first Fischer-Spassky match? Which brings us to the classic question: How many people at a chess tournament in the Philippines does it take to change a light bulb?

You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say the light is okay. A third suggests that the tournament director be called and number four fetches him. The director (5) arrives and confers with the arbiter (6). An aged player (7) reminisces about the lighting in Cebu in 1970. A player (8) says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Player (9) says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player 10 says it’s just a question of replacing a dead light bulb, and player 11 complains to the arbiter about the disturbance.

A politician (12) suggest taking a vote on whether to change the bulb but a journalist (13) protests. A businessman (14) forms a group called the Movement to Change the Light bulb or MCL as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. A priest (15) is elected chairman of MCL and he then forms a committee composed of a woman (16), farmer (17) and a student (18) to advice MCL on whether to change the light bulb. A leftist participant (19) has a row with the officers of MCL, resigns and then pickets the tournament premises. Finally the only sane Filipino left, an exasperated Juan de la Cruz (20) takes the matter into his own hands, sneaks inside to change the light bulb but is caught and is expelled screaming from the tournament hall.

GIO DEL SANTO NINO ALUMNI. We are calling the attention of all alumni of the Colegio del Santo Nino to attend the Centennial Celebration of the elementary school and Grand Alumni Homecoming in honor of Golden Jubilarian Class 1954 on Aug. 28-29.

Scheduled activities for Aug. 28 are Mass at 8 a.m. and registration at 9 a.m. There will be a short program in the afternoon, followed by dinner and a fellowship party in the evening. Venue is at the Pilgrim Center.

Activities for Aug. 29 are Eucharistic Celebration at 5 p.m. followed by a program to honor all alumni, dinner and dance. Venue is at the Grand Convention Center of Cebu.